embrace me..see it in my memory..

2006-09-13T09:43:00.000-07:00

i love these girls. i swear.

haha. okay anyway, VARIAN. haha yes hello, hero hero la. hahaha

just got back from compass with nic hetty jem and matthias. had fun, sat around and made fun of each other and other people as usual. hahaha.
ok so math prelims max max i'll score about two! and thats if im lucky. so yes.
haha. shut up shaun chan. haha
anyway my parents left two nights ago! and i miss my mum now. sheesh.
haha so yes, HOUSE IS OPEN, well just until the 21st la.. haha
cant wait for feast day! drinking after that for the juniors, the poor things that cant club(except nic la, of course) hahaha
i predict a fucking awesome night.

i just wish nat could be here for it too. i miss you slutface.

hahaha anyway me and hetty have had fun on the busses to and from school, what with all bus number 80's smelly old men holding up theyre arms for the entire bus to take a big whiff. death by armpit hair. hahahaha ok shut up.
anyway, im done with all this random shit and im going to go play guitar.
bye!

2006-09-10T23:54:00.000-07:00

okay NAT. bitch cunt slut bitch whore fuckbag crack manwhore. here's your fucking update, dirt.
haha. i love you.

ok yes, hello! i have a new phone! james khoo peng fei got me a phone!
after choir prac yesterday me and marcus went to eat at compass..talked, spent much deserved best fucking friend quality time together. then james chubbs annabel josh and shaun came too.. went to meet them at kfc and laughed like idiots cause of bel's lame as ass joke. ayam kambing daun. hahahaha.
then we went to sit outside starbucks.. by then it was just me james josh and shau, hetty came to meet me too. james was looking at my phone and asking why i always had such lousy phones.. haha.. then shaun left and it started raining and we moved to outside mos burger. and then josh and james get up to go eat.. so its just me and hetty.. we talk..pantat comes to sit with us for awhile after gettin his camera, so we camwhore! and the camera is fucking awesome la. took many many damn stylo pictures. hahaha.
so we keep talking about stuff.. then they come back and james gives me this plastic bag and i saw the handphone box and i was like.. wtf?! me and hetty were in shock for a damn long time la. haha. he's fucking awesome la. its a grey 6070 and its fucking sleek and sexy, i think la. hahahathank you james,i love it. and i love you.
then kenneth came and we took pictures, talked laughed like idiots and jo came to meet us.. all of us went to eat..came back down... nic came also. haha.okay so all in all, me, james, josh were there for about 9 hours. hahahahaha. basically doing nothing the whole time except sitting talking laughing making fun and smoking. hahahaha. it was awesome n i had alot of fun. everyone left at about 11.30 and thats it!
haha. ive had so much fun these past few days and all im saying is, FINALLY! yes.
ok. goodnight.

manipulating

2006-09-05T00:27:00.000-07:00

i had alot to say.typed it, posted.
i deleted it.
nat, thank you for knocking some sense into me and letting me know that she's really not worth it or my fighting cause it wont ever stop. thank you.

you're the adult right? please, live up to your words.
sure as hell not doing that now.
i cant be bothered anymore.

2006-09-04T09:17:00.000-07:00

say what you want, i dont care anymore.
yout temper percedes you. and ive lost all hope of ever changing my mind and believing that maybe i was too harsh.
goodnight.

2006-09-04T02:04:00.000-07:00

we never could get drunk enough to forget about him, could we?
haha.
figures.

2006-09-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

stick to the decisi0ns you've made and dont drag other people into your problems anymore because of those decisions, you clearly made your choices. and finger pointing doesnt work. your act only works on an audience, and thank good we went through that stage completely.

oo! last few days been spending time with nic and hetty and jo.. very fun. laughing like idiots.. swimming has become out new pasttime i think? haha and studying has become more vital to me for some reason, i dont know why. people who know me knows i dont do studying.. but oh well.. cant help but try to pass my o's la right..

ive realised past mistakes have a way of coming right back to bite you in the ass if you're not careful. and i'm damned happy for that.. trust me. i am happy.

tonight might be going to shine jesus shine with hetty jo nic and i think dhini? but not so sure.. ez link card has no money and who in the world ever used that as a reason not go out ah? haha. i feel like studying too. i want to memorise word for word my lit book. haha

i got new shoes from josh! its green and white and its fucking awesome. although, they are skate shoes la. abit what.. but still..theyre fucking awesome. thank you cho.

yesterday was spent swimming with nic hetty and jo the usual, and daryl came along too! swam, talked.. everyone was emo for awhile.. met kenneth and becca for dinner at gardens and before dinner kenneth made everyone throw all they're problems into his ring and he put it in his pocket and amazingly, by some miracle. we laughed and joked and made so much damn noise people were staring at us. it really did work, and kenneth is a fucking miracle worker. haha.
after that was my house for dvd's! we watched guess who. damn sweet show la. CHEEK FLEECK. but of course, everyone left before 12 for last bus.. haha..

and this morning my brother woke me up to tell me to hide all our dvd's (and fuck, there are shitloads) somewhere the police wont check. i dont even know why.. and im just as curious to know. i just did it.. took me like half an hour just to pack them up. jeez. putting them back better not be my job.

oh, natasha liew hui ling. thank you for calling that day, you made my day and i miss you veh veh much ahhhh. haha. fucking slut faced bitch bag! i'll message you later! haha. dig bum bum.
haha. ok so, im gonna go now. very random entry. goodbye!

2006-08-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

And I know the night is fading
And I know the time’s gonna fly
And I’m never gonna tell you everything
I gotta tell you
But I know I’ve got to give it a try

And I know the roads to riches
And I know the ways to pain
I know all the rules and then
I know how to break’em
And then I always know the name of the game

But I don’t know how to leave you
And I’ll never let you fall
And I don’t know how you do it
Making love out of nothing at all

2006-08-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

mix of feelings and emotions..
kinda. haha, im really not sure about it anyway.
burgvfjkwvfwerjk
i wish i'd just make up my damn mind.

handbrand or sugar coated peanuts?

grr. fuck decisions.

2006-08-29T12:21:00.000-07:00

i want to say thank you to the ones who care, the ones who dont give up, the ones that worship their god, love they're loves, and respect they're families. i want to say thank you to the ones who sacrifice they're time wholeheartedly, even for things which are not worth it, the ones who love incessantly and boundlessly, the ones who risk they're lives for the ones they love, the ones who risk they're lives for people they dont know, the ones who go through hardship and suffering to reap little benefits, the ones who take bullshit everyday from people they hate just for the sake of peace, the ones who can hold a straight face in the eyes of an enemy, the ones who can sit down and take insults thrown at them, the ones who accept the good and bad in them, the ones who pray for a better day, the ones who have the courage it takes to say no to a fist fight, the ones who think about the ones who dont think about them, the ones who appreciate the ones who do, the ones who sacrifice friendship for family, the ones who make it through the day knowing that there's hope for a better one, the ones who sing in the shower just because. the ones who give all they have to give in order to make as many people as they can happy, the ones who know they've made many mistakes in life. the ones who are always looking for self improvement.
i wanna say thank you to the ones who care.

2006-08-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

the hearts that never lean must fall
fall away and fall apart
by our standards this room is getting smaller
and now you just need some trust in her..you tried
and you tried and tried again
with all the hearts broken, tears shed
you couldnt do much better
its not what you needed and i guess its only right to say
we're better off this way
for hearts that never lean must fall
someday, somehow and no matter how careful.
but you just know
somewhere, somehow
the lights are shining bright tonight,
but they're not shining in your eyes this time
they're in mine.

proximity was they're support;
like walls after and earthquake they could fall no further
for they had already fallen on each other.
and for now, you take comfort in the fact
that you've given yourself the privilege, of taking over my mind.
yeah, the hearts that never lean must fall.

just something i wrote just yesterday and today. mixed and jumbled up. i liike.
goodnight!

2006-08-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

haha. just got back from jem's place. josh called in the evening to go to jem's place to surprise him cause its his birthday, oh, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEM. and as you told me, the ones who cared for you and wanted to be with you would be there to share it with you. (but there were people who wanted to be there but couldnt for good reasons though!) yes anyway, met josh and went to his house with pete marcus and ryan.
ahaha! oh i dont like marilyn manson. not one bit. haha.
met jo, kelly and jem this afternoon at gardens to buy fags and go back to my house to pierce jem's eyebrow.. hetty met us at my place..
the piercing went surprisingly good.. haha i have steady hands la i swear. its all in the hands. hahaha piercing went very smooth and came out nicely. he just needs to change to a bigger stud until it heals..
went to school.. ok supposed to.. ended up sitting along clark quay with hetty. singing songs and writing songs and talking.. it was fun.. but we had headaches and were extremely hungry.. went down to compass and met nicole.. talked about alot of shit and had fun too.. kennth came down for awhile.. haha. awesome la.
awesome day. no shit and no problems and this is how it should be.
goodnight.

to the ones who cared when no one else bothered to pray.

2006-08-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

for what its worth, kenneth understands so much. always there to believe in a reason for everything. always opening his mind to what others believe or think, respecting a cause and reason, respecting one's own opinion, faith and beliefs. always accepting the things he cant change, always accepting.. even when its something he doesnt want so bad. he helped me see a whole new side of myself. helped me to grow up alot, helped me lear to accept that things dont always go my way and i cant argue that. helped me find out so much more about loving someone. helped me to appreciate the small things that he does(cause he does them so well) haha. always the listener, always the care giver and always the one to turn to cause he tells you the truth no matter what, whether he puts it to you harsh, or he sugar coats it a lil. he tells you what he thinks and feels and is so sincere about it. so sincere and so fucking responsible its crazy. yeah of course, everyone makes mistakes and he has made them. but i love him all the same.

oh and while we're on this. nicole wants a shout out, hahaha so yes, HELLO NIC.
babe, thank you for being there for me. throughout everything, ive never fought with you. we seem to always come to a compromisation when we dont agree. on something, and i thank you for that. for always being able to work with me and in the end agree on something we're both happy with. im glad to have had you be there so much, when i cry and call you, even when your busy, thank you for taking time out(you'r so busy) to talk to me and reassure me that things will be fine. when things were so bad with me and hetty, even though she is your bestfriend, you didnt take sides. i mean of course, i knew and still know how important bestfriend's are, but it does take alot to open up your mind to both sides of the story and try to understand where the other party is coming from. thank you for being so fucking amazing. i do treasure you. so damn much.

hetty.
you're so strong, and i told you you would be. thank you for not giving up on me.
things are getting better now and im happy for that. i know respect and trust cant be restored in a day, but hey, all in good time? i love you.

daryl and rebecca.
i dont know what me and kenneth would be without you cause you two've helped us also in being what we are now as well. i pray you two will keep making each other happy cause its so nice to look at and see, i pray you'll remain being what you both are now. cause thats why i love you both so much.

2006-08-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

when people have different views on things, does that necessarily mean that it will never work? i know im not the kind of person to tell many people what i really feel, or what i really want to feel. is it necessary that when in love, every aspect and little detail must be shared, or is an absence of doing that considered cheating of feelings for the other party? i mean, on the most part, we live life the way we want it to be. handle the relationship the way me and him feel most comfortable. share whatever we're comfortable with sharing, and in due time, share whatever's not. and love him and give him as much love and attention as he should be given. it takes reassurance to know that love is still there.
but is that all that happens in a relationship? how come sometimes, we cheat his/her feelings without even knowing it? how come, even thought its the last thing we wanna do, we suddenly realise it? and it takes someone else to say it before you even think about it.
what if all we're doing is hurting the person when the intentions are only good?
sometimes in a relationship, we screw things up, say things we really dont mean but at the point of time made all the sense in the world.
we may love someone, but is it fair to say that loving someone means necessarily telling them every single thing about you. there are also some things certain people wanna keep private as well. i mean, sometimes theres somethings that you've felt or experienced, and you just dont wanna call someone and tell them all about it cause well, you just dont. and is it actually fair to say, you must, "because he's your boyfriend". i dont think thats what being in a relationship is all about. sure, you must be able to tell them anything, knowing that you can trust them. thats trust. but whether or not you want to tell them, isnt that a matter of time? no doubt, you can tell them. its just, not now.. now yet.. all in good time. if he/she's gonna be around for the long run, we've all our lives, and hell, they can even learn things about you themselves.
bt of course, if its something that involves them , or if they have a right to know, then it is necessary. it may be childish of me and selfish and many other paradoxical things at once, but i dont believe that because he's your boyfriend, he needs to be told everything. i believe it takes time, to learn about someone, to let them feel comfortable enough to let you in on the small, but significant things about them. it takes time for trust to build.. it takes time for love to grow. and it takes time for the necessity of memorising a heart and soul of a person. if its meant to be known it will be, and all it takes is time.

2006-08-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

okay so here's the thing. i wanna give respect when respect is earned, but trust me. i, nor anyone else has built any kind of respect for you whatsoever. you wanna tell a friend that you think i shouldnt talk cause i'm worse? why dont you just come and tell me? i have said it already time and time again, i told you all i did because i felt you needed to know, i felt it was getting too much. and you can clearly talk to me as well if you have any problem with me. bitching about you behind your back is what you've accused me of, and clearly your doing the same. so before you call someone else a hypocrite, why dont you take a good luck at who you're saying these things to and about what exactly? i can safely say now, i used to be scared of you. your mouth could break a person, and as you somehow think now, make someone suddenly start to care about you again. but im not anymore, i swear to you, i'm not. from the time you made us all lose almost all amount of respect in you, no one has cared. and you may disagree or agree to what i'm saying. but really, i dont care. i really just, dont care anymore.
goodbye.

Marcus Tan, Kenneth Yong, Daniel Cross, Nicole Lim.

for some people, its easy to just switch off and not give a fuck about a person, but sometimes, especially when that someone is so fucking dear to you, its just not that simple. we can try and try. but it never turns out good, when you wanna care, things always get from bad to worse and doesnt stop. but when you just stop caring, justice seems to fade and what you're left with is your grudgeful feelings and an unsolved problem. a big one. and it gets so frustrating to know that maybe, it could have been solved, or maybe, ties would have been cut, but your mind would be put to rest. where do we go, from the day everyone stops giving a fuck and everyone's just left with what if's and how about's? why is it that some people cant take what others say seriously? or why is that some people listen, but dont accept and try to argue another's point of view? i mean, it must be hard when words hurt and stab, but to a certain extent, if so many people feel that same way, dont you think its quite hard to make all of them change they're minds. its not easy. cause if so many people can think that way, then how can you still argue that its not true? no one wants to lose friends. no one wants to hurt another on purpose. its all done for a reason. he puts ideas and thoughts and actions into our hands and heads for reasons, and what we do with them is up to us. sometimes, we need a push, or guidance, but overall, its up to us. and i am not in any way saying ive not fucked up before. ive fucked up more than i should have, but the main thing about mistakes is learning from them, accepting the mistake you've made and moving on. if your stuck at the accepting stage then there's no way to move on from there. its never gonna get easy. its never gonna get how we want it to be, but somehow and someway, things are meant to happen. everything has been seen and told, and the outcomes have all been predicted. its about accepting, its about understanding. if we keep finding ourselves fighting back against us, and always looking out for a finger to point at someone else, then we're never gonna learn.
some people are weaker, some stronger. some take longer time to build up strength. but everyone has strength, everyone has patience, and everyone has limits. you can take advantage and manipulate whoever you want to, but when the person realises it and still lets it continue, its only gonna be a matter of time before he/she has reached her limit. im still trying, trying every damn day to better the things in me i've realised are not good at all. and i try, i swear i try.
but i can only help so much, and it gets to a point i also reach my limits and i just dont care anymore. sometimes it gets so damn hard, so damn hard when you feel like all is lost, it cant get any better, in anyway. its nice to know there are people around who still care, even when things get so tough, who still love unconditionally, and is still there to talk no matter how fucked up you feel, to cheer you up and make you smile.

its amazing, more than amazing, to know.
and personally, from the bottom of my heart, i thank you.

2006-08-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

please, hello. shut up, its none of your fucking business anyway.

2006-08-23T03:02:00.000-07:00

wow, so much for today being a better day.
i could have sworn i woke up this morning with a smile on my face..
waking up awesomely late followed by meeting some at starbucks.. was all going good.
until the fight with andy, which left me nicole and hetty very angry, not to mention incredibly hurt.
dont wanna dwell on it though.. maybe if i dont think about it so much it wont matter anymore..

not like that's worked before.
if it wasnt for marcus i swear i wouldnt have a smile on my face.

i trade it all says:
such a corkhead
Tessa. says:
gahahaha
Tessa. says:
cork

hahahahaha. stupid boy.. i love you wei rong.

eng o's oral is on thursday, and im extremely scared right now. i havent even practiced, i have made an attempt to read a very advanced english book called one man's bible, but i stopped at the first few pages, after it said something about how he saw his gradfather's "little dick".. i stopped cause i couldnt stop laughing.. so ya..
sometime's its so stupid how we cry over things that really dont matter, yet we dont even find solace in the things that do. its crazy, and its insane, but we still have yet to come to terms with it. i think what we all need is to take a crash course in realisation, please.

the time has come i have to let you go,
i cant stay on.
i'll have to let you down, im sorry
being a part of you i dont belong
you have someone loving you
how can i stay on

it isnt easy when you feel that someone is hurting you
it only breaks your heart when you know its true
my love for you cant take the pain in me
dont you see, thats the way i feel inside of me

i'll have to leave you now
i'll have to go away
cause its only gonna hurt someone
if i were to stay
can't you see it now
what im going through
there's no reason to be here
when someone else is loving you

its so hard for you to understand the way i feel
i tried so hard to make you realise
guess it doesnt matter anymore
after all, you're not there whenever i need you.

2006-08-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

im sorry if i have to leave i believe
i tried my best
but when things go wrong its only right to leave the rest
and i dont know enough, about her
and i dont know enough, to stay here
anymore.

staying away, im leaving you
staying away, i'll let you grow
and if you ever wonder why im so confused
turn the page
you were there

remember when we were left with only me and you
i tried so hard to see what you were going through
a simple way to say, you needed me
another way to say, that you could be
free

the weak attack the even weaker
you were strong enough to leave her
behind
but now your right back where you started
this is your game, the one you started.
so long.

i wrote that for you a week ago. dont tell me i didnt care.

2006-08-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

just like everyone else who came and went, im sorry but ive given up on you. i know i told you i never would , but you drove me to the fucking point i couldnt take it anymore. you blatantly showed us that she was more important to you than each and every single one of your friends. including me, supposedly the one there for you, your PARTNER.
no andy, your apologies dont work things out this time. so many times ive sat back and watched you ruin yourself and tried wholeheartedly to help, but to show me you appreciated it, you spat at me in the face by running back to what we all can say was a fucking disaster for you. when we try to tell you what we feel, you show us your fucking temper and act so rash and stupidly that you make us actually hate you. as i said, last night, i never thought i would ever be so angry at you. and i was. you made me cry, again. and i told myself i wouldnt fucking cry over you(and i wont anymore) because it was not worth it. but you constantly find new ways to hurt us and drag us down in your misery. you said yesterday, "can everyone just fuck off from me and donn's life together!?" andy, its not us who wants to even care about you two. YOU two drag us down into your relationship, ask ANY OF US. we'll all say the same thing. every single time there's a fight between you and donn, within a day, EVERYONE knows about it. when scott and nicole fight, does she immediatly call everyone to let them know? when ME AND KENNETH fight, do i call everyone to let them know?? no, this does not happen. what you need to do is accept it, instead of defending yourself and acting likeyou're doing nothing wrong, accept it and move on! donn called me two faced, cause i talked about her behind her back. and i will not defend myself. yes i did that. I ACCEPT IT. but you two? you cant accept anything we try to tell you. and i cant be bothered anymore. i cant be bothered to have the patience to wait for you to grow up anymore. you keep doing what you've been doing andy, and i assure you, alot more friends will be lost. from what i've heard, you hurt oreal. from the time you got together, you told me you wouldnt hurt her, you really loved her..bla bla bla. how am i supposed to trust you when you do this kind of thing? i cant. and dont expect me or anyone else to. after treating us the way you have, you hurt us so much so many times. and im not sure if any of us are actually willing to forgive you anymore. we've all grown numb to you and your temper, let me assure you that we are not scared of you. your temper doesnt work with us.
you say you wanna change and prove something to me. andy,
change for yourself. not for us. we dont need it
but you do.

2006-08-22T20:49:00.000-07:00

i take yesterday's words back, today is a great day.
why? cause i finally told someone how ive felt about him/her for the longest time.
and so has everyone else. now its only a matter of whether the person wants to help him/herself.
and thats all im gonna say. just these few lines are gonna bring about one looooong entry post... i feel it coming...

ah well. i am not happy, but im happy. you know?
cant have everything
(:

2006-08-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

Nobody told her
People get older
Things become strange
As time passes by my window
I notice things never stay the same

I'll be your angel
I'll be your everything
Together we'll change

I'll stick to my reasons
Make sure you're okay
Connected and all right, tonight

And I'll be the one to set you free
If you'll always be this rose
You're the only thing I'll need

the power in your blood destroys all of the lies, soon you'll see past their unmerciful eyes..

2006-08-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

When Christ was carrying that damned cross up all the way to the hill where he was crucified everyone was watching him, waiting for something to happen. If he was the king of Jews, the messiah, the SON OF MAN, why the fuck didn't he do anything? Come on Jesus, heres your chance to prove your point, fling that cross up into the sky and strike down on everyone trying to destroy you! So everyone stood there waiting and doubting. but do you know why he just kept his head down and trudged on?

Its cause it wasn't about proving people wrong, administering revenge and redeeming trust. He came to earth with good intent and a simple message that whoever needed a fancy thunder and lightning show to get their vote just wasn't cut out for what he was selling.

2006-08-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

cheer up, pantat.
keep your head up,
tomorrow's gonna be so great if you'd just let it.

a thorn for every heart

2006-08-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

I can't hear you, you sound like static
I can't hear you my ears have had it bad
you sound like a...
Radio with the speakers blown
the treble high and the bass down low
down low

Tonight I'm drowning in my favorite records
trying to forget how every thread reminds me of the nights I spent with you
They play the soundtrack to my falling tears
the soundtrack to this wasted year
and the sleeves hide scars better than I could ever do

So turn me up when you turn me on
when we hear hearts break we'll say they're playing our song
It sounds like a radio with the speakers blown
the kind of sound that you'll never know
treble high and the bass down low

The record plays to the beat of my heart
and my heart you know
it plays like a metronome
if the record skips a beat my heart will too

It plays the soundtrack to my falling tears
the soundtrack to this wasted year
and the sleeves hide scars better than I could ever do

So turn me up when you turn me on
when we hear hearts break we'll say they're playing our song
It sounds like a radio with the speakers blown
the kind of sound that you'll never know
treble high and the bass down low

So I'll break these record you've always hated
I'm feeling so sick and medicated
come on why are you so nervous boy?
my prescriptions read like ransom notes
and love letters you never wrote
help me feel like I'm not paranoid

I can't hear you, you sound like static
I can't hear you my ears have had it bad
it sounds like a...
Radio with the speakers blown
treble high and the bass down low
down low

test test

2006-08-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

i finally learned how to make it... not chinese.
thank you MICHELLE! haha awesome.
blogger's the best la. BYE XANGA.
grr. template template.
NO WAY AM I GETTING A TAGBOARD!
haha.
hello rebecca! thank you for the link. woo!